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Fic: The Bone That He Boned from Its Owner -- The "I'm Doing WHO?!"… - Hobbit Smut Fan Fiction Challenge Community
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Fic: The Bone That He Boned from Its Owner -- The "I'm Doing WHO?!" Challenge

Author: Lily Baggins
Title: The Bone That He Boned from Its Owner
Challenge: Hobbit Smut ‘I’m Doing WHO?!’ Challenge
Word Count: 1843
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Er . . . Frodo/Bill Huggins
Warnings: Slash. Grossness. Gives a new meaning to the term, "Interspecies." Takes the Good Professor's wording out of context. Blatant mis-use of quotes from the book. Do not read if squeamish, easily offended, put off by crude language, or generally, if you've got taste.
Summary: Remember those stone trolls? Frodo certainly does.
Notes: This seriously deserves some serious flaming. Heck, I'm going to flame MYSELF for writing it. I honestly don't know what came over me. But there's wrong, and then there's WRONG.



**Italics are ADAPTED from The Fellowship of the Ring

I felt my spirits reviving: the reminder of Bilbo’s first successful adventure was heartening. The sun, too, was warm and comforting, and the mist before my eyes seemed to be lifting a little. We rested for some time in the glade, and took our mid-day meal right under the shadow of the trolls’ large legs.

Strider had settled me upon a soft patch of mossy ground near the beefy limbs of the stooping troll (always considerate of my comfort, was Strider), which sported an old bird’s nest behind its ear. “My” troll had a great ugly face set in a frown, and it pointed rudely at the other two trolls as if they’d been having quite a spat. I arbitrarily decided that it must be the leader, William “Bill” Huggins, since it was the largest of the three.

These creatures had been clothed, of course, during Bilbo’s encounter with them, for I recalled Bilbo elaborating on how he picked Bill’s pockets. But apparently, only troll flesh turns to stone, for the troll’s garments had all but rotted away and left them naked as the day they originated in Arda.

It made not a very attractive sight, I must say, and for once, I was grateful that my vision had yet to regain its normal clarity.

As I pondered these things, I attempted to eat a chunk of soft, white bread—the last of the provisions provided by Barliman Butterbur. I knew I must eat, both to keep up my strength and to avoid distressing my fellow hobbits. But nevertheless, the very thought of taking a bite turned my stomach, and I gingerly turned over onto my back so the others wouldn’t notice me pocketing the bread.

And that was when I saw it.

Oh dear.

To a casual observer (and I hoped fervently also to my companions, especially the ever-inquisitive Pippin), the trolls simply possessed enormous bellies and stumpy, tree-trunk-like legs and arms and FEW parts that gave away gender, if you take my meaning. But now I had a bird’s-eye view of my troll’s underside, and I realized with a start that I might have come very close to sitting up and concussing myself upon Bill Huggins’s petrified private parts.

Baggins curiosity being what it was, however, I couldn’t help but stare. At least it certainly distracted me from the ever-present burning ache in my body.

I’d seen my fair share of hobbit cocks and knew myself to be well above the norm in the matter of endowment. And I’d caught sight of Strider’s several times, too, when he wasn’t looking. Oh, Strider had been blessed with quite a magnificent member, for all that it had been disappointingly flaccid at the time. But still, it had been thick and straight and the skin looked so soft (who knew, given the rest of his appearance?) that I had yearned to caress it.

Yes, men certainly had something special there.

Now Bill Huggins, on the other hand, possessed one huge, enormously ugly cock. And it didn’t appear to be altogether flaccid, either . . . just what had Bill planned on doing with my cousin and the dwarves at the moment the sun’s deadly rays had struck? Besides eating them, of course.

Oh, the girth of the cock was mighty indeed, though it bent slightly sideways in a very peculiar manner. I seem to recall that Hamson Gamgee’s did the very same thing (unfortunately for our one tryst in the hay, for I was left with an aching bottom for a week) but that is a story for another time.
At any rate, if I squinted through the ever-increasing mist before my eyes, I could easily see Bill’s hairy balls as they hung in tandem—a giant overgrown sac upon which lichen now grew. I shuddered slightly, though I had to admit that actually seeing such an unusually sized organ up close was somewhat . . . titillating.

Before I could think further, Merry’s voice rang out in the quiet clearing.

“Won’t somebody give us a bit of a song, while the sun is high?” Merry asked. “We haven’t had a song or a tale for days.”

I shook my head, hoping my companions hadn’t noticed my previous preoccupation. “Well, that’s rare! We’ve never gone so long before, I think, without a tune or two. I don’t think I could sing just now, but Sam? How about you?”

The younger hobbit blushed but acquiesced, and I closed my eyes and relaxed as much as the ache of my wound permitted. I felt so chilled and feverish all of a sudden. A song was just what I needed . . . it would do all of us some good. I would nap for a while and, maybe, forget that I lay under the shadow of a troll’s uglies. I’d pretend to be back in my beloved Bag End, lying upon a cozy chair in front of the hearth and sipping warmed cider . . .

Troll sat alone on his seat of stone,
And munched and mumbled a bare old bone . . .


Now why, I wondered peevishly, had Sam chosen that song? It didn’t remind me of the Shire at all. And really, the tune sounded rather naughty if one used one’s imagination. Which, of course, I would never actually do, being a gentlehobbit, you see. But someone young and impressionable such as our darling Pip might.

“For a couple o’ pins,” says Bill, and grins
“I’ll do thee too, and part thy shins.
A bit o’ fresh meat will go down sweet!
I’ll try my tongue on thee now.”


Oh yes, Bill’s tongue would likely be just like the rest of him—hard and horny and tough, and it would create such delicious friction wrapping completely about my own weeping member . . .

I started, shocked at myself for thinking such thoughts. And yet, I couldn’t seem to get the image of Bill Huggins’s completely overblown male parts out of my head. My wound must have been affecting my thinking much more than I’d previously thought.

I estimated Bill to be about twelve feet tall, at the very least. Therefore, if a four-foot hobbit such as myself enjoyed a four-inch cock when fully erect, then a troll’s must be . . . I performed a quick calculation and decided that it must be a foot long, or more, in that state.

Or, approximately one-quarter of a my, er, a hobbit’s, height. My goodness.

“My lad,” said Bill, “this cock I spill.
For my old bone won’t fit in your hole.
Thy nuncle played dead as a lump o’ lead,
Afore I found his shinbone.”


My “nuncle”? Bilbo? Oh my. Why, indeed, did Sam continue singing such a song? It only served to kindle vivid images in my head that were not suitable for the occasion. Or rather, perhaps they were, but not among polite company. Or rangers. Then again, who knew what rangers and trolls did together? I certainly didn’t.

“Hee now! See now!
I’m tired of tumbling old bones and skins;
I’ve a mind to suck on thee now.”


A troll’s mouth could certainly suck, I was certain. Suck the juices right out of me from the middle outward. In fact, if I had been along on Bilbo’s adventure, I’m sure I could easily have had this booby begging for mercy by simply employing a few diversionary tactics.

I would stand before him, drinking in Bill’s lascivious gaze as foamy saliva dripped from his crooked, rotten teeth. And then I would unfasten my bracers and shirt and cast them aside, baring smooth hobbity skin quite unlike any he'd ever seen during his life in that bare troll-hole. He would want to eat me, but not in a cooking pot!

Bill could look, but not touch . . . yet. For I’d have still more clothing to remove, and I’d swirl my hips enticingly as I turned my back and unfastened my brown velvet breeches. I’d take my sweet time about it, too, as the sun slowly rose in the east, until at last, thus revealed, would be my rounded, dimpled bottom, which had felled far smaller and less mightier partners.

Thee’ll be a nice change from thine nuncle,
Sunkle! Drunkle!
I’m tired of fucking old bones and skins;
Thee’ll be a nice change from thine nuncle.”


And then, I would turn around.

And Bill would goggle and bellow loudly at the sight, the noise carrying far and wide and possibly reaching even to the deep, dark roots of the Misty Mountains. He’d reach for my body with his hammy hands, but I’d command him to kneel as I loosened his filthy troll trousers and freed the tumescent organ within.

The stench would be deadly, to be sure—even worse than Lobelia Sackville Baggins’s imported perfume---but I, a mere hobbit, would abide it.

I would straddle the kneeling Bill’s cock, sucking in my breath as I felt his hairy, horny roughness between my legs. Why, I’d be able to ride him nigh like a pony!

But harder than stone is the flesh and cock
Of a troll that stays alone in the rocks.


And ride I would, gripping along the wrinkled, scaly, pockmarked foreskin with both hands as I scooted backward and forward. It would chafe my own dainty flesh quite a bit, but his pre-cum would suffice to ease that somewhat---imagine! And then I’d get into the rhythm and a pleasurable, undefinable sensation at being one with this monster would take hold.

Old Bill laughed, when he heard Frodo groan,
And he knew his toes could feel it . . .


Above me, Bill would pant, his fetid breath puffing out to stir my hair as he shuddered and jerked in motion. And then, at long last, Bill would let forth a roar, thrusting with all his might as he shot out his seed and sent me sailing into the air like Earendil the Mariner.

Frodo’s mind is game, since with the troll he came,
And his cold left shoulder is still the same;
But Bill don’t care, and he’s still there,
With the memories of that fair boner.
Doner! Boner!
Bill’s old cock is still the same,
Turned to stone and not boned by its owner!


“Frodo?”

“Frodo, awake!”

“Mmmmm?” Where was I? And more importantly, what was I doing?

A cool, wet cloth rubbed gently along my cheekbone and I blinked and opened my eyes to see Strider. As a warm stickiness within my breeches brought me back to the here and now, I prayed to the Valar that I’d not said anything embarrassing in my slumber.

Strider, however, looked as serious as ever. “You were groaning in your sleep, Frodo. Your fever has risen considerably. Are you having more pain?”

Confusticate it! I shook my head, trying not to think about what I HAD been having. “It was just . . . a very vivid . . . nightmare.”

“Ah. I will boil more athelas to ease you.” Strider smiled then, a rare occurrence. “Sam’s song was quite entertaining, was it not?” he asked, and I swore the man winked at me before rising to retrieve his pack.

And I thought, as I looked cautiously upward, that even Bill Huggins’s old stony face seemed set in a crooked grin.
56 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
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siouxieq From: siouxieq Date: March 22nd, 2005 09:15 am (UTC) (Link)
That was soooooooooooo wrong. But strangely compelling. Definitely a rare (and hopefully, soon to be extinct) pairing.
Well done!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:46 am (UTC) (Link)
It's extinct for me . . . don't believe I have or NEED the urge to write it again! :)

Thank you!
gar_dena From: gar_dena Date: March 22nd, 2005 09:54 am (UTC) (Link)
So very, very wrong.
So very, very funny.
XD
gar_dena From: gar_dena Date: March 22nd, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh yeah. And I'll never be able to listen to that song in a pure mood again. Mind you, I never could in the first place. I blame Tolkien for randomly throwing words like "boner" into a sweet little ditty about a troll eating dead people. Is nothing sacred? :D
teawith From: teawith Date: March 22nd, 2005 10:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Ok. I'm worried about how much I loved this... Wicked, naughty Frodo!

and sent me sailing into the air like Earendil the Mariner

*gurgle*
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Please don't worry... I'm still SORT of sane and I wrote it! :D

On the other hand... perhaps I should worry. But ah well, I wanted to see what would happen with it. And I blame that dadgum Troll song of Sam's!

Thank you so much for reading!
trianne From: trianne Date: March 22nd, 2005 10:31 am (UTC) (Link)
Bad Frodo! Incorrigible wicked Frodo! This is great, Lily, especially the corruption of the Professor's poetry, ha ha. Brilliant!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:49 am (UTC) (Link)
That poetry has always disturbed me, frankly...

Well, I also got the idea from looking at the Stone Trolls statue by Sideshow Weta in their pic... those are some scary anatomically correct beasts, I tell you!

Thank you, Trianne... for putting up with my strangeness!
aussiepeach From: aussiepeach Date: March 22nd, 2005 01:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMG, how wickedly filthy. Not to mention rare! I applaud your chutzpah.
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:50 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you so much... I appreciate it! And chutzpah... wow, I've always wanted chutzpah, seriously. :)
claudia603 From: claudia603 Date: March 22nd, 2005 01:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was filthy -- just utterly filthy. *shakes head* But you carried it off, my dear and almost made me believe...And yeah-- the corruption of the professor's poetry, as Tri said. *giggle* Well done!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:51 am (UTC) (Link)
It was about the worst, wasn't it? But see, now that old fic I hate is NOT the strangest, filthiest, most awful thing I've ever written!!! :D

Hee, and you never guessed it either, didya?

Still not as funny as your Frodo/Witch-king fic. :)
danachan From: danachan Date: March 22nd, 2005 02:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was so, so, so very wrong. Wickedly filty, indeed.

I knew you could do it, if anyone could. *grin*
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks, Dana... I admit to being more than a little nervous posting. I mean, this is some really strange stuff!!!
lorie945 From: lorie945 Date: March 22nd, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Somehow the combination of bigger and ugly partner with Striptease!Frodo is oddly compelling, even if we are all going to hell and the Professor is spinning like a top in his grave.

Job well done, sick and twisted sister Lily!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Hey, I'm sicker than you are! Way sicker!

Well, the idea of Frodo/troll does nothing for me, but the song from FOTR has always struck me as being . . . I don't know, symbolic of something terrible and wicked. Just my strange imagination.

Thanks, Lorie!
b_briarwood From: b_briarwood Date: March 22nd, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
*ROTFLMFAO*

*gasps for breath*

You wicked thing you...

Great job!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:53 am (UTC) (Link)
I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read this trash... it IS the oddest thing I've ever written, and that's saying a lot.

But hey, if we can write MPREG and such, well... maybe this isn't far-fetched. Though I've no urge to write it again! :D

mordelhin From: mordelhin Date: March 22nd, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC) (Link)

AhHahahahaha! You are EVOL! I need to scrub my eyes now.
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:54 am (UTC) (Link)
I need to wash my hands really, really well with antibacterial soap after typing this out on the keyboard!

Thanks for reading!
singeaddams From: singeaddams Date: March 22nd, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bill would let forth a roar, thrusting with all his might as he shot out his seed and sent me sailing into the air like Earendil the Mariner.

BWAHAHAAA!! I loved it! Just loved it, thank you so much!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:55 am (UTC) (Link)
"Love" is a word I never would have expected to hear about this one. :)

Thank you so much for reading my strange fic indulgence . . . I admit I wanted to go for a really RARE pairing!
mariole From: mariole Date: March 22nd, 2005 07:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
can't... type... *jerks about spasmodically*

ick ick ew ick gross ew *shudders*

sent me sailing into the air like Earendil the Mariner

LOL!

...

Okay, now that I've had a minute to think about this, I'm ready to say, this was really cleverly done. It's not that Frodo is (necessarily) a sick pervert, although you leave that door open. :-D It's really the Witch King's fault! Wiki gave him this wound, and filled him with evil badness, and helped the Ring gain more of its evil sway. Poor Frodo, delirious and influenced, distorts Sam's rhymes into something way more suggestive than the original "boner" line. Cheers, dear. Well done.
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes, yes, it's the Ring's fault!!!

I actually was going to put the Ring in there somewhere, but while finishing it up at 2:30 a.m, my tired old brain just plum forgot. Oh well, I imagine the reader can infer all those things. . . after all, this is SUCH a deep, thought-provoking ficlet. ;D

Thanks, Mariole... it sort of makes the other crud I've written seem tame now. *Loves the idea of Frodo as a sick pervert*
sayhello From: sayhello Date: March 22nd, 2005 11:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bwahahaha! This is just so *wrong* on so many levels, and you do it so well!

But I must admit, I'm a bit disgruntled. Someone must have gotten to my paperback of FOTR, because that's not how the poem reads in my copy...

:-)

Hewene
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Those censors at Houghton-Mifflin must have edited the naughty stuff out... goodness! :)

I appreciate your reading! I was sort of hoping that nobody would be brave enough to open this!
ohfrodo50 From: ohfrodo50 Date: March 23rd, 2005 12:15 am (UTC) (Link)
Wow, that was impressive! Very imaginative. Gave a new meaning to ROCK hard!!!
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:59 am (UTC) (Link)
LOL! That thought crossed my mind a bit, too. :) Thank you for your feedback! It's appreciated.
abby_normal From: abby_normal Date: March 23rd, 2005 04:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Okay... *boggles* Dear lord, Lily, only YOU could make me actually like a Frodo/Troll fic. I have no idea how you did and I don't hink I really want to. Let's just agree that we are both more than a little strange and never speak of this again.

Thank you for playing, my dear. :D
lilybaggins From: lilybaggins Date: March 23rd, 2005 05:00 am (UTC) (Link)
We will never speak of this again, I promise. :)

Somehow, I get the feeling this wasn't the pairing that came to most people's minds when thinking of Frodo! :) But eh, I wanted to see just how strange I could get, I suppose.

Now it's back to the good old Frodo/Aragorn. *blissful sigh*

Thank you, Carole!
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